“How do I get through the Hell
of separation and divorce
without getting completely burned
or burning down my family?”
To guide you out of separation Hell, get a Family Mediator through family mediation.
If you are now separating leading to divorce let’s not mince words. Separation is Hell. It is a cruelly painful time of strong heightened emotions: LOSS, GRIEF, ANGER, FEAR, HATRED, GUILT…in other words Hell.
‘If you are going through hell…keep going.’
Thank you Winston Churchill but your question is how??? How do I get through the hell of separation and divorce without getting completely burned or burning down my family? You need help to keep from falling into the traps set by the devils who plague divorce. You need warnings and advice to travel through a dangerous landscape as safely and quickly as possible. You need a guide. Ask yourself if any of this is hellishly familiar:
- I thought marriage was going to be a life long partnership but it is now impossible. I want out and/or my partner does.
- After much thought (with or without family therapy) I have finally asked for a separation or I have been asked for one.
- I made a painful discovery or I watched as my partner made one.
- We are no longer the people we were when we married.
Suddenly, everything looks different and potentially scary. Welcome to Hell.
You are now in a world of emotional pain where emotions will flare up, sometimes without warning. You may think you have your emotions under control; you don’t.
Loss = Anger?
Separation means enormous loss. Your map of the world has been torn in half. The flip side of loss is anger and when the loss is cataclysmic people who are separating do and say things to anger the other, intentionally or not. While controlled anger can demonstrate that you care about something being negotiated, at this hellish moment are you really in control? Are they?
Fear?
Then there is fear. This is not a nightmare, this is really happening. You are fearful, worried, anxious, possibly terrified. The ground beneath your feet has tilted. You may be completely off balance in a way you never have been. You are beset by questions. Is this permanent? What will happen to my relationship with my children? Where will I live? How will I afford anything? What will people say? How can I explain this? What is this going to cost?!?
Danger?
It doesn’t matter whether the separation has been initiated by you or your soon to be former partner or both of you, the situation is fraught and rife with danger. This person you have bonded with, the person who you have loved and trusted, and who you know better than anyone and who knows you (and therefore your weaknesses) is suddenly a potential adversary. Has love turned to hate? This is fine for the demons who do not want you to see things clearly. They will encourage you to fight! fight! fight! tying you to your spouse while hate keeps you and your family in Hell. You need someone to help you see the future. You need someone to guide you to safer ground. You need a referee. You need a mediator.
A Mediator is a Guide
An experienced mediator is a guide through perilous terrain who will provide you with a sense of what lies beyond the dangers and give useful guidelines for getting out safely while still providing the freedom to make personal choices. What is on the other side of separation hell? There is light. You can get there.
How???
First consider this fact. Your partner, soon to be your ‘ex’ is not disappearing as much as you may want them to. They may not be close by but they are not being beamed up to the mother ship. If you created a family with this person, if you have children, you will be seeing them again, and again and again. But hopefully, beyond the uncertainty, pain, anger and frustration, away from the flames of hell, there is hope for a new kind of relationship.
Co-Parenting
This relationship is called ‘co-parenting’. Being a co-parent is the role you may need to play for many years. It is a newly forged trust backed up by a legal document called a Separation Agreement.
Separation Agreement
Understanding Family Mediation
In your Separation Agreement you have negotiated a Parenting Plan to decide how major decisions for your children will be made and what schedule for visitations will be followed. A well crafted Parenting Plan is a living document that grows as you and your children do. Your Separation Agreement also lays out Financial obligations such as Child Support, Spousal Support and Division of Property. To make your Separation Agreement a legally binding document it is necessary to have it signed by lawyers and registered with the Court.
Lawyers?
Lawyers are necessary to make your document legal but any necessary thing can be overdone. Lawyers are by nature adversarial. Lawyers are not trusting. If you begin with lawyers to draft your Separation Agreement you will each be paying lawyers throughout the process. You will need to provide documented financial disclosure. This will take some time and much money. There are many situations where that would be the wisest route.
The Wisdom of Mediation
If you and your co-parent are reasonably trusting of the other it is possible to complete the drafting process with one Family Mediator. A mediator is a neutral third party who guides the negotiation through the pitfalls of grief. You can begin with mediation and then be sent for independent legal advice to protect your rights. This can prevent the adversarial nature of the legal system from being more expensive and more time consuming.
The New Ground of Co-Parenting
Your mediator is your guide to this new ground. As co-parents you can escape from an environment of pain and worry. Your more business-like relationship can help your children adjust to the reality of having two households during their one childhood. This is not to deny your process of grieving. Grieving a huge loss takes time. Acknowledging the pain and working towards co-parenting will give you a more positive perspective on the future of your divorced family. It is worth investigating Family Mediation.
Rob MacKinnon