My wife and I are tied together. Over thirty years we have woven a rope with strands of love, humour, children and most of all respect. The weaving process has at times been painful but we have somehow managed to avoid our cord unravelling. At times when it seemed like it was fraying we would resort to some methods more immediate than couples counselling. One of these was ‘The Egg Timer’.
My wife and I play music together and we try to play while still listening to the other to create harmony. But, in the midst of an argument, when each of us is desperate to get our point across, listening stops. We are only interested in playing our part and only hearing enough to know when to start ‘playing’ more. No one is listening, harmony is lost. The frustration this creates heats a discussion into an argument which could spark a brawl or something resembling a tentative ceasefire.
We sometimes needed a referee but they are expensive and don’t always make house calls. So when an argument threatened to dissolve any listening we sat down with a three minute egg timer.
One of us would go first. We got to speak WITHOUT INTERRUPTION for the time it took the sand to drain down; three minutes.You can say a lot of things in three minutes if you are not interrupted. Then the other gets to speak WITHOUT INTERRUPTION and it might be rebuttal or a point of view but over three minutes some of what you are saying just might get listened to. It is not necessary to use your three minutes to speak. You could just pause or even generously give over your time if the other seemed to need it. After several rounds (assuming no one has bounced the egg timer off the other’s forehead) if the temperature of talk has cooled enough. more natural conversation or negotiation can happen.
It will sound simplistic to say “An egg timer saved my marriage.” but this method relied on more than a simple object purchased from the Dollar Store. The necessary mechanism that made it effective was for each person to have enough respect for the other to sit and listen for three minutes and not interrupt no matter how high the emotion had gotten. Hmmm. Not simple at all then. Or perhaps it was having enough love for the other to return to the discussion after the egg timer had bounced off your forehead during round two.
If the egg timer is not effective enough to create true listening it might be time to get a live mediator to negotiate the timing.